i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
