i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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