Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
