My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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