According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
