I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
