a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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