Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
