I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
