Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
