btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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