theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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