He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
