At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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