it was like having sex with a tree stump
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
