I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
