My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
