Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
