Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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