i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
