So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize