i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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