I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
