After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
