zippers are such a cool invention
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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