i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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