the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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