Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
