so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
