who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
