these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
