If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
