i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
