apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
