Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
