i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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