Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize