The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
