You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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