I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
