I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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