remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
