Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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