You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
