In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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