Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
