I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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