Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
