the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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