Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i now understand why vodka
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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