another moral hangover. fuck.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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