I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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