it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I just sharted jello shots
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
